Narrative 3

It’s a day before the show. Actually, 25 hours, 37 minutes. Trust me, I’ve counted. My first opening evening performance of Romeo & Juliet. The thick crimson curtain rises at 8:21 sharp, on the dot. Rises to ten thousand microscopic faces staring down upon me, beating down on me, watching my every move. I have to admit, I am more nervous than I have ever been in my life. This even beats out the time I auditioned for my favorite company, my dream company, Bolshoi. Legs shaking, nerve stricken face, sweating palms, and this is worse. I’ll have to admit, standing here, looking out into the enormous house that will look back at me tomorrow night, it’s kind of relieving. The shadowy, muggy darkness and almost eerie silence calms me. I run through my intricate steps during the Party Scene of the first act for the last time in my raggedy tattered dress and my sweater made from old ripped tights. The difficult steps frustrate me to no end. I can’t get the timing right; I could never get the timing right. A wetness streams down my face as I fall apart in front of those thousands of seats all gawking at me. I wipe this wetness away from my eyes and off of my already dewy face. Why can’t I get it right? Now with only 24 hours, 56 minutes and decreasing. Rapidly.
My long, delicate legs bring me to the front of the raked stage as I once again look out into the house. It’s so huge. I don’t remember it being so big. I must become accustomed to it. I run through ever part, every phrase, every second of it in my head. My emotion, my steps, what I should be feeling, what I want to say to people. My legs are about to give in for some unknown reason, so I sit on the rough marley that covers the stage. It’s cold and slick, yet sticky with rosin. I continue running through the steps, but with my arms this time. They seem frail and small, but for tomorrow they need to be big and projected. Right now it feels like everything is going wrong and nothing is going how I want it to. Nothing works, my arms ache, my legs weaken, my back wants to give into the weight of my body, my head is racing, and I don’t know what to do.
Now 22 hours, 17 minutes, and I don’t think I will be ready. Every doubt I have ever had, every insecurity comes into play in my mind. Why now? Why me? I don’t think I can do this. I really don’t. My director walks in. I can tell. The sudden stench of tobacco, scotch, and cologne fill the stage. I don’t mind it but I know it means one thing. “Go home. Get some rest. You must be ready for tomorrow night.” But I can’t. I begin to cry. This time more tears flow and they come more rapidly. He keeps repeating, “Do not cry. You mustn’t. There is nothing to worry about. You will be perfect. Trust me.” I know I want to but I still can’t bring myself to believe that.
I arrive at my apartment; comfort and warmth overwhelm me once I walk in. I don’t have the strength to continue doing anything so I surrender to my welcoming bed. 7 hours, 53 minutes. Time is ticking. Class flies by with the blink of an eye, and I feel like I’m trapped in a bubble. I work as hard as humanly possible to prepare for tonight. We run through the pas de deux’s once more before heading to the theatre. Surprisingly, everything goes according to plan. In the blink of an eye its 5:59. 2 hours 2 minutes. I warm up one more time, already in my pastel yellow, silk and chiffon Juliet dress. I clutch the rusting iron bars in the wings carefully doing plies and tendus. I take a deep breath then let it out. I'm ready. 43 minutes.

~

I take my place on stage and the curtain rises to those ten thousand faces I was fearing. But now it seems like instead of gawking in disgust and criticisms, they are staring in awe. It feels good. Now I know what I have been waiting for my whole life. It makes sense. I don't want it to end. I'm fearing the end.